Ask Paniek:
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Question 25:
Dear Paniek, as a fashion girl I have noticed that you almost reached your twentyfifth question! What will you do when you reach this milestone? Love from Paris.

Answer 25:
I have no idea, Brigitte.


Question 24:
Dear Paniek, after a hard childhood with not many social contacts I am now the proud owner of a SWB Series III. When I drive into town all the girls look at me, but do they look for me or do they look for my Land Rover?

Answer 24:
Are you sure that only the girls are looking, dear LandyGreenhornNo1? You really should not be driving your Series III through the pedestrian zone of the shopping centre on a busy saturday afternoon. Do you really have to sing the national hymn so loudly? Do you really need the smoke screen? Hope this helps.


Question 23:
Dear Paniek, when will your famous and very tasteful Hachee-recipe be 'Recept van de maand?'

Answer 23:
Once, when I was still a little Paniek, dear Snuitje, I made a long train journey. I wasn't bored at all, because I was observing a very interesting passenger. This gentleman sat there, smiling and humming and singing in a very high pitched voice. He behaved like somebody with a walkman on his head, but this was 55 years before the transistor was invented. He only had a piece of paper with lines and scribbles on it, yet he heard a complete orchestra. I see this picture every time when I ask Margriet to write down one of her recipes. She'll take a piece of paper, a pen, writes down two words, then picks up one of her cooking books as an example and starts reading. She smiles and though she doesn't chew, I know she's eating. At eleven o'clock in the evening she still is. I make her a sandwich and go to bed. The next morning I find her asleep at the table with a happy smile on her face. Sometimes the composition is finished, sometimes it is not. It has to do with art and needs time. She wrote down a Larogoulach recipe this night, which is very close to what you asked (I know these things because I'm her favourite test eater). It will be published as your favourite 'recept van de maand' soon.


Question 22:
Dear Paniek, Axle Cleaner's starting motor is defective and since we have a special Knook's Special, we have a non standard starting engine. This knowledge makes me an expert and so, one of our dearly beloved friends asked my advice on what to do with his starter. I saw immediately that his starting engine would fit Cinderella very well. Should I advice him to buy an original one and dispose of his old one for him?

Answer 22:
You will never make a good politician if you ask questions like these, dear Eric. In your case, however, the problem is trivial: you must tell him to buy an original starter immediately! If he is a dearly beloved friend, but still follows your advice, he is a real friend. He wants you - and your girl friend - to have a new starting engine without embarrassing you. Don't disappoint him.


Question 21:
Dear Paniek, today I finally washed my Land Rover after a very nice weekend in 'De Ardennen'. After that, there was a lot of mud, sand and rocks on the street. Does this mean that if we go to 'De Ardennen' often enough, we'll create our own Ardennen in the Netherlands?

Answer 21:
The Ardennes ('De Ardennen') were once part of the Netherlands, dear Reginald. But then your countrymen started these Belgian jokes and in 1830 the Ardennes seperated from your country and rightfully so. I doubt that it is possible to transport a complete Arden in one Land Rover, but even if you could, you certainly wouldn't deserve so.


Question 20:
Dear Paniek, I have seen you and a lady driving around in a Land Rover 110 HCPU through the Belgian woods. (A very nice Land Rover with everything on the right place, I must say). Can you explain what is happening on this picture? (Click here for the picture )

Answer 20:
I have no idea what you are talking about, Berry, but even I can see that the object in the lady's hand is an egg. It may have been a boiled egg (in which case she is preparing for peeling it) or not (in which case she's preparing to throw it at somebody). Were you covered in smelly, yellow slime after you took this picture?


Question 19:
Dear Paniek, my boyfriend is out in his garage working on his Land Rover. Last weekend he spent all weekend with his Land Rover, instead of going to Belgium with me. Do you think he doesn't find me attractive anymore?

Answer 19:
You may be in the danger zone. The most important question that you should ask yourself now is: 'Why do I ask these questions?' Then admit that your female intuitions are failing and then revert to simple logic. Is your boyfriend unhappy when he returns from the garage? Does he smell like alcohol? Are his hands, arms, face, hairs and ankles black? (If he is always a negro, then you need only to inspect the inside of his hands.) Does he smell like EP90? Do his Land Rover spare parts seem to multiply without any human intervention? Has he more than three Land Rovers? Etc. If you can answer these questions with yes and your female intuition tells you that he still loves you (and he does not), then your relationship may be OK, dear Anneke. But nothing is certain.


Question 18:
Dear Paniek, a couple of weeks ago my Land Rover was upgraded from 2x4 to 4x4. Therefore I choose to go to Sclayn (Belgium) and see what was possible in the rough terrain. I found out that in some cases my vehicle, which served once in the Belgium army, performed very well indeed. Several times we (the car and I) climbed higher and went deeper into the mud than the cracks. Dear Paniek, they told me that it was just beginners luck. Do you think this is true or could it be that we (the car and I) are an ideal combination? If we are perfect I could have faith for the near future. Or do you think that my 4x4 performed so well because she felt at home?

Answer 18:
Over the years Paniek has owned and driven an Austin Cambridge, a BMW 700 coupe, a 2cv, a VW 1500, a Fiat 600D, a 2cv6, another 2cv6, yet another 2cv6, an Ami, a GSA, an HY, a Volvo 740, a CX, another Volvo 740, a metalic green Volvo 740 and many others. He never got stuck. Then he bought his first Land Rover and got stuck at least once a month. This demonstrates that the better your equipment is, the more you get stuck. So you see, dear Marchel, it has absolutely nothing to do with beginners luck.


Question 17:
Dear Paniek, last weekend a good friend asked me to diagnose what was wrong with his Land Rover. And so I did, but I turned out to be wrong. And this friend had to stop while driving home all the way from Belgium. Now I cannot sleep, because I feel guilty. What should I do to straighten this out with this dearly beloved friend?

Answer 17:
Dearly beloved friend??? Ammehoulla.


Question 16:
Dear Paniek, last weekend I was told that all those people saying that they love our Land Rover nicknamed Cinderella, are saying so just to have an excuse for being close to my girl friend. Could that really be the case? And more important: do you think this is even a worse situation given the fact that most people saying that they love the way Cinderella looks are of the female gender?

Answer 16:
All a Land Rover wants is to be maintained on time and with a little love. Land Rovers are not jalous and don't care about the genders of their mechanics. They even trust females! So I really fail to see your problem, but even if one develops you have many options if you want to give up your unexpected freedom again, dear Eric. (For an interesting alternative, just click here and enjoy the picture of Axle Cleaner, a beautiful Knook Special )


Question 15:
Dear Paniek, how will you spend your days when you are really old?

Answer 15:
Dear Brigitte, I'm glad you ask these personal questions. You are a sensitive fashion girl. Sometimes Paniek wakes up swimming in sweat in his green pyama's. But when he recovers from his nightmares, he asks Margriet if she thinks he's old, she always says: ' No Paniek, you must be joking. You will always be my young hero'. I like that answer, even though it is such a lie! Greetings from Pim (the site photographer) (Click here for Panieks worst dream )


Question 14:
Dear Paniek, what is the real story of the Belgium 4x2 Land Rovers? Or are all those Dutch jokes about them true?

Answer 14:
Since you refer to Dutch jokes, you seem to think that the Belgian 4x2 has something to do with the Dutch. Do you really think so, dear mymidget? And is it a proof of Dutch intelligence to claim such a thing? You make me wonder. Anyway, here is the answer: the Belgian 4x2 is a translation error. In French 4x2 means 4 wheels of which 2 are powered. In Flemish it means: 4 speed gear box with a 2 speed transfer box. Or was it the other way around? To avoid such confusion, the Belgians should have ordered 4x2x4x4's but they didn't. They used the ambiguous 4x2 instead. It was probably a political compromise.


Question 13:
Dear Paniek, why is it that Land Rovers only run on blood, sweat and tears? Isn't there any ordinairy fuel which can get and keep em running?

Answer 13:
You are an optimist, dear someone in panic. Humans burn well - especially the fat ones - but their caloric value is not extremely high and you cannot expect a better figure than 35 kmph (kilometer per human) from your Land Rover 109. There are also legal issues. Your fuel would have to wear seat belts and if you want a range of more than 70 km you will fall into the much higher luxury vehicle road tax category. Can't you grow your own biodiesel in the gardens next to your windows?


Question 12:
Dear Paniek, as a fashion girl I have a picture of an LT95 gear box, you and your cardiologist. The picture must be taken on a sunday. Are gear boxes really that dangerous?

Answer 12:
They are, Brigitte. If you meet her often enough, an LT95 becomes a dear and intimate friend who only feels comfortable when she's spread all out over your work bench. (Click here for the picture by Henk Warmenhoven
) (And yes Brigitte, Margriet was very angry about Paniek not wearing his green overall. Pim)


Question 11:
Dear Paniek, I'm looking for someone who can write an article about our winterevenement for a Land Rover magazine, but I can only think of you. What is your opinion?

Answer 11:
Can you really only think of me? Is Reginald really a girls name? Are you pretty? Are you rich? Tell me more. Soon.


Question 10
Dear Paniek, I found a picture of you, Zwelgje, and your beloved ones in the green valley of Utrecht. Is a 101 that popular in this area that you need a lion to protect it? De Heer G. te R.

Answer 10:
Your question touches on the fundamentals of this site, dear De Heer G. te R. Let me explain: there are two driving forces behind this site. One is Paniek making a fool of Paniek. That's the easy force. The second force is our site photographer taking pictures of Paniek making a fool of Paniek and that's the difficult force. Paniek may be a fool, but he is very invisible at it. That is very frustrating for our poor site photographer. He has to invent and construct a picture now and then, just to protect his mental health. I don't like it, but I accept it. That is the real background of the picture that you are referring to. The lion existed only in your mind and our trained photographer immediately took advantage of you. It is a sad story. (Click here for the picture
)


Question 9:
Dear Paniek, one of my landrovers makes a lot of noise. The other one smokes too much. Will I get baby landrovers?

Answer 9:
It is a myth that you would need 2 Land Rovers to make a new one. Any number will do, even zero. Land Rovers are equipped with self modifying DNA. They don't depend on genetics and rarely have sex. If they do they don't enjoy it and they don't get pregnant. So, dear hetgroenemonster, be happy and enjoy your pregnancy.


Question 8:
Dear Paniek, I have conviscated my boyfriends landrover. How can I bring the message gently without hurting his feelings?

Answer 8:
Imagine your boy friend driving his Land Rover on a rainy morning and then, he suddenly sees you shining through the fog, his other Land Rover around you. Would he be disappointed? No, of course not! You would make his day! You cannot deny him such joy, Cath. Just make sure that he is driving a Land Rover too, so always leave him at least one other Land Rover when you leave home.


Question 7:
Dear Paniek, since last week I own 6 Land Rovers (I bought yet another project.) Am I sane? Is there any danger for my beloved ones? Where will this end?

Answer 7:
It makes no sense to worry about things that cannot be controlled or that are no problem, Hubert. There is nothing problematic about a Land Rover density of 1.5 per family member and I am sure that your sanity has never been an issue for your beloved ones. Start worrying when you have six Land Rovers but only remember four.


Question 6:
Dear Paniek, are there also pictures available on the Paniek.org site that were made with your high tech invention? I mean the invention where a backwards view was created by you using a USB webcam and a laptop with Microsnot Windows. Possible is a description of this setup, including practical hints like steering in negative, a valuable add to Paniek.org.

Answer 6:
That is a very good question, Berry. We have indeed experimented with a rear view WEB Cam on a Land Rover 101 Forward Control Ambulance, but the tests were interrupted when the Ambulance sank in a canal that was not visible on the monitor. (Click here for your picture
)


Question 5:
Dear Paniek, I noticed the roof of your 101 is not painted. I was wondering why? Are you afraid of heights?

Answer 5:
You should know better, Pim. There is nothing on a 101 that is not done. There are things that are not done yet. And there are things that are not redone yet. That's all.


Question 4:
Dear Paniek, ik kom net terug met onze Disco II, en ik vroeg me af: Hoe zit dat nou met de verlichting van deze auto?? Het draaiknopje aan de knipperlichthendel geeft drie standen aan: "0", "twee lampjes" en "een grote lamp". Als ik de stand op "twee lampjes" zet heb ik het idee dat ik met stadslicht rij...klopt dat? Hoe krijg ik hem dan op gewoon dimlicht? De lichtopbrengst is namelijk zeer minimaal, en het schijnsel op de weg is ronduit niks...

Answer 4:
The operation that you describe is too complex, Paul. Disco II's were designed with something else in mind. We wish you good luck.


Question 3:
A friend told me about your fantastic new site, but when I typed www.paniek.com my browser said "De pagina waarnaar u zoekt, is momenteel niet beschikbaar. Er zijn mogelijk technische problemen met de website of u dient mogelijk uw browserinstellingen aan te passen." I guess this means that I can forget about it. Why?

Answer 3:
Dear Anneke. Don't take it too hard, I'm sure it is nothing personal. Apart from that you should have typed: www.paniek.org, not www.paniek.com


Question 2:
Beste PaNiek, or as you would say on your Englisch site Dear PaNiek. I would like to join up for this amazing site to be a member. I don't have a clue what this beholds, but it must be fairly amazing. (maybe I get a peek under your car too then.) If I have five more minutes to spare I will read the one hour story, so I am fully informed before we go to Belgium. Kind Regards. "The mother of knorretje"

Answer 2:
Dear mother of knorretje. If you know the Belgian road manners, you must know that these five minutes that you offer me, could very well be your last five minutes in sanity. Go and spend them with somebody else. In the unlikely event of your sane return we can continue this discussion, but we would need much more time.


Question 1:
Dear PaNiek. As a fashion girl I have noticed that you always wear green overalls when you are on a picture. (And do they look great around you!) Now I wonder what you wear in your spare time. Greetings from Paris. Brigitte.

Answer 1:
Dear Brigitte. One picture says more than a thousand words (Click here for the picture that his own wife made ). Kind regards from Pim. (The site photographer)


 

 

 


   

 

 

Question 1-25
Question 26-50
Question 51-75
Question 76-100