Dear Paniek, I thought only Groningen
was justified to use ACPT (Anti Circulation
Plan for Traffic). But as I read in
your answer #47 Hilversum also has this
kind of system. Or is it a different
system as we in Groningen don't have
the sleeping roadworkers. The roadworkers
are actually in the same trafficjam
as where anyone else is stuck for live,
wondering why they can't reach their
road-working destination. Why don't
they all get rid of this paved roads
which are causing so much trafficjam
and create only greenlanes? But now
I'm wandering of my track. What was
the question again?
Congratulations, dear Marc. You have
just won 1 littre of EP90 for asking
the fiftieth question! Can I borrow
it from you, because I still have to
fix the oil seal in the rear differential.
You can borrow the 1 litre of EP90 for
your differential, Paniek. But in return
I need the answer for question 50, because
I can't remember the question no more.....
That's how it started with me too, Marc.
Thank you for the EP90. I hope you forget
to ask it back.
Dear Paniek, I visited www.paniek.org,
and noticed that you're not listed on
some search engines! I think we can
offer you a service which can help you
increase traffic and the number of visitors
to your website. We offer a unique technology
that will submit your website to over
300,000 search engines and directories
every month. You'll be surprised by
the low cost, and by how effective this
website promotion method can be. I would
love to hear from you. Best Regards,
Thank you very much for your caring
solution, dear Sarah, but Paniek doesn't
know what to do with it. He can only
handle questions, not answers. Hope
you understand. Pim (the site photgrapher)
Dear Paniek, I have noticed that there
is no privacy statement on www.paniek.org.
Don't you have a reassuring policy like
everybody else? P.S. To protect myself
I am not using my real name. I hope
you understand. Pim III (not the site
I like your new pseudonym, Arjen. Sometimes
Pim (our site photographer, not you)
places black bars over the eyes of self
exposing visitors (Click here for an
example by Tjeerd van Linge
). There is not much else we can do.
Apart from that, we respect you and
your privacy very much.
Dear Paniek, I am going to work in Hilversum
in September. Do I need special medication
for that? What is the story about the
There is nothing wrong with working
in Hilversum, dear Jacco. It is just
that people don't do it very much. They
prefer to sit in their cars and participate
in the Hilversum traffic jam all day.
Every day. That is because this traffic
jam is very well organised with parallel
one way streets (all in the same direction),
pavement distortions, numerous microscopic
roundabouts, fences, sneeky posts, ROL's
(Red Only Lights), maintenance works
and everything else that modern (and
not so modern) technology can throw
at flowing traffic. In the unlikely
event that workers actually reach their
destinations they are so tired that
they immediately fall asleep, hence
the mattresses (Gooise matrassen) everywhere.
Nobody needs sleeping pills or other
medication. It is very healthy. You
will like it.
Dear Paniek, do you know where I can
get oldtimer insurance?
When I was young I tried to get Oldtimer
insurance, like you are doing now. But
I did not get it. I was very sad, but
then a wise man who was born in the
nineteenth century and an oldtimer himself,
told me that I didn't need it. "Insured
or not, you will become an oldtimer,
even if you don't want to. Just trust
me.", he said and I did. He was right,
so keep your money, dear Paddy. Just
Dear Paniek, why are there more Freelanders
than there are real Land Rovers?
That is because every year the Land
Rover factory makes 2 times as many
Range Rovers as Defenders. They make
2 times as many Discoveries as they
make Range Rovers. And they make 2 times
as many Freelanders as they make Discoveries.
Using these sneeky tricks Freelander
can repeat the 55 year history of the
real Land Rover in approx. 7 years,
10 months, 8 days and 13 minutes, they
think. But they forget the story of
Achilles and the turtle. They don't
realise that in 7 years, 10 months,
8 days and 13 minutes the real Land
Rover will have a history of more than
62 years. Don't worry, Brigitte. The
turtle can't loose. Pim (the site photographer)
says so too.
Dear Paniek, why is Zwelgje called Zwelgje?
I like the name very much. And the car
too, I think. And Pim, your site photographer.
That is why I ask. Love from Paris.
Thank you for your nice - albeit incomplete
- question, dear Brigitte. The name
"Zwelgje" was first mentioned in a story
that Maarten Toonder recently wrote
in 1957. It is the story of a real gentleman
and a sympathic dragon. The dragon -
Zwelgje - grows to extreme proportions
when he gets angry. As a gentleman I
liked that. Unfortunately the other
day I received a nice birthday present.
It was a rare book: the first print
of the Zwelgje story. Very special.
I immediately reread it. That was wrong.
Zwelgje turned out to be a crook. A
robber. I had forgotten how good my
memory was. Zwelgje isn't even female.
Is there no end to growing old?
Dear paniek. Yesterday I was turning
Rusty - my favourite Land Rover 88 No
Top - over again. (Click here for the
I have done this before (Click here
for the picture ).
This means that I have made a turn of
2 times 90 degrees, which is 180 degrees.
Do you agree? Or not? This may sound
like a simple question but I am a bit
confused (Click here for the picture
You worry too much, Hubert. Then you
get confused. I have seen it happen
before. Your question is not as simple
as you think. You cannot just add up
degrees. Because if you could, cooking
would be very easy. You would take half
a cup of water of 50 degrees, add another
half a cup of water of 50 degrees et
voila, one cup of boiling tea water.
You know this is not true. But that
is not all. You must always substract
360 degrees as many times as you can,
to get the correct answer. Also it is
always helpful to calculate back to
absolute zero. That is the point where
nothing moves. Even molecules. Even
you. You should stay there, but you
won't. So you add 90 degrees. That brings
you at 273 + 90 = 363 degrees. Substract
360, to get 3 degrees. No problem. Then
add another 90. You see the mistake?
That brings you at 93 degrees. Not only
will you burn yourself, you will also
fall out of your Land Rover. Very dangerous.
There must be other ways to replace
The problem is not to correctly add
(or substract) 360 degrees, dear Jacco.
The problem is knowing when to do it
and when not. Your excellent example
is one where you should not. Thank you
for your swift reaction.
Dear paniek. The other day I was ticketed
by a Dutch policeman who could not read
my numberplate. He blamed the ladder
of my roofrack. Now I have to pay a
fortune in fees. Do you think this is
You could have advised the officer to
go back to school. This would not have
saved you any money but at least you
would have received something in return
for it. To prevent any payment at all,
you should have jumped back into your
car and started racing in front of speed
camera's. They probably don't work if
you want them to, so make that a reasonable
number, say 25. Exceed the speed limit
by 30 kmh or so. Wait for the tickets
to arrive, add the ladder ticket and
write a short note, explaining that
the two kind of tickets are mutually
exclusive. The system cannot confirm
the inconsistency and will most likely
disregard everything. You even could
try it now, the location of usable speed
traps is announced on public television
every morning, as you probably know.
Dear Paniek, what will happen when I
connect a 24 Volt winch to a 12 Volt
battery? Will it loose half its power?
Will it operate at half speed? Or will
nothing happen at all? Is there any
solution (other than replacing the winch
This has to do with power, Chris, which
in electricity language is Watts. Now
Watts is Amps times Volts. So if you
halve Volts, you halve Watts. But that
is not all. Because you halve Volts,
Amps also halves. So you only get a
quarter of what you paid for. I know
somebody who bought a 12 Volt winch
for his 24 Volt 109. He feeds the winch
from a seperate 12 Volt battery. Since
he cannot charge this 12 Volt battery
from a 24 Volt source, he charges the
battery at home, one day in advance
and always makes sure that he is out
of trouble before the battery runs flat.
Maybe you could talk to him? You seem
to approach the problem at the same
In times my blood burbles the same as
the V8 engine of a 101. How is this
possible and what should I do about
it. Is it dangerous?
The V8 burble is dangerous for people
but not for cars. So, think positive,
Anjo. Don't be the problem, but make
yourself part of the solution. Use your
V8 intensively and only in overpopulated
Dear Paniek, you really helped me out
on question 38. Now I see what I have
to do. I'm going to put the V8 in one
of my own Landies, sell the engine coming
out of that one and go to Billing after
all. Dear Paniek, you're and extremely
Agreed. Just don't do it with my V8.
Dear Paniek, one of my Land Rover friends
has a V8-engine stored with me. My question
is: Can't I just sell the bloody thing
and use the money for a trip to Billing
this sommer? I think the old fool forgot
all about it anyway.
There is no use going to Billing. Stay
home, Norman. People only go to Billing
to acquire something beautiful that
they don't already have and they usually
pay a high price for it. You already
have everything. Maybe with the exception
of a V8-engine, but it wouldn't make
sense to sell a V8 to go to Billing
to buy a V8, wouldn't it? Enjoy the
money that I help you save and remember:
It is always such a pleasure to advice
Dear Paniek, as a fashion girl I wonder
what a Freelander is. Love from Paris.
Ehr ... I'm speechless. (Message from
Pim (the site photgrapher): Help. The
man is unendurable. Send him the answer
if you know it. Please. Win 1 litre
of EP90. Maybe more. His address is
I have to go now. Thank you)
Hm, a Freelander, that is not more than
a word. It should be a man who can live
free in a land, but as long as there
are women, money and bureaucrats it
is not more than a word! (LandyAndy101)
I don't think that I need to know what
a Freelander is anymore. What is EP90?
Dear Paniek, you seem to be the epitome
of tranquility even in the face of questions
that would turn Groucho Marx speechless.
Yet a psychiatric disorder that is the
complete opposite of tranquility was
named after you (panic disorder with
agoraphobia). People who suffer from
this get anxiety attacks when they are
in crowded places, like (super-)markets,
hence the name "agora". What is your
secret remedy? Is there a secret ingredient
in Margriet's cooking that does the
trick? Are you yourself a homeopathic
medicine against panic attacks? Does
your 101 scare everyone away from crowded
market-places? What is the secret of
Thank you for your nice compliments
in which there is much truth - even
though Groucho Marx has been speechless
for years, dear René. My secret was
a mystery for a long time, even to myself.
Now that I finally understand how I
do it, it is amazingly simple: when
I'm in a crowded place I paniek.
Dear Paniek, could you make a photograph
of your site photographer for me? As
a fashion girl I would prefer a picture
of Him in his overalls. Love from Paris.
Pim's cars never break down and he does
not need overalls. So especially for
you I put a film in my camera, borrowed
his car until something broke - which
only took me 7 minutes - and waited
in ambush. This is the result (Click
here for the photograph )
Is this really what you want, Brigitte?
After I had a hard childhood....oh,
you already know that? OK again I have
a question between man, woman and Land
Rovers. As long as I drove a normal
car I did sometimes stop to take girls
with me who hitchhike. I stopped even
one time for a girl who was not waving
and so now I can give you an advice
(I'm proud to give an advice to a wise
man like you) : If they don't wave for
you, you even don't have to stop, they
real don't want to drive with you! OUPS,
back to my question: I heard sometimes
that I should be friendly to girls,
woman and all which is more human than
a freelander and not so ugly. So when
I stopped with my normal car I went
out and opened the passengers door to
let the girls get into the car. I tried
to do the same with my Land Rover and
it looks like this: Get out, open the
passengers door, clean the striker plate
for the door lock so that her clothes
don't get dirty and than hold the door
wide open. Now the girl like to get
in and.......yes this car is higher
and how should a modern girl with one
of this very short skirts went in? As
a friendly man I like to help but how?
Where shall I position my hand, being
sure that after doing this not her hand
is positioned somewhere in my face?
It takes a brave man to drive a Land
Rover, dear LandyGreenhornNo1. Did your
grand parents ever tell you about a
band called "the Beatles"? When I was
still a young wise man, this band sang
a song dedicated to your problem. It
offers a solution if you listen to the
song text carefully enough. Actually,
your problem is so simple that the title
will do: "I wanna hold your hands."
Yes, that is all that you have to do,
it will give your passenger and yourself
a better control over the situation.
Officially I cannot give you a more
in depth advise, since I have absolutely
no experience with the question at hand.
Don't forget that Margriet washes my
overalls and always agrees with me.
Dear Paniek, we spotted this Land Rover
prototype (click here for a photograph
) last week. Could this be the next
Defender? And, being located close to
Geneva and CERN, could it be provided
with a revolutionary particle accellerator
No, it is not the next Defender. It
cannot be. Land Rovers come in three
exclusive tastes: Forward Controls (e.g.
109 2B), Rearward Controls (e.g. Defender
td5) and Traction Controls. The new
Defender must be rearward controlled.
That is a rule, so - despite its 88-inspired
rearward controlled and historically
correct hard top - it cannot be the
glorious traction control in your picture.
None of my sources at Ford are aware
of any accellerator engine for Land
Rover, revolutionary or not. But, you
never know, I like steam very much.
Thank you for your profound investigations.
You are improving, Eric.
Dear Paniek, how can my 101 become car
of the month for two months like the
current car of the month?
Your 101 was already car of the month
in April 2001, dear Anjo. And in May
2001 and in June 2001. I don't promise
anything, but maybe it will be car of
the year 1978 one day. Keep up the good
Dear Paniek, since I am the owner of
a 101 I don't need a light anymore in
the dark. I'm very afraid that my eggs
get damaged. What's the matter and what
I got to do? Bever.
Dear Paniek, why is it that when the
sun shines, my email traffic suddenly
slows down .... Is the sun also made
It is a well known fact that emails
are lithophobic. That is why glass fibre
is so expensive (it is very hard to
get the emails in) and fast (they cannot
wait to get out). I don't know who made
the sun, but I know that it only works
50% of the time (on average) and it
never shines when it is dark and you
need it most. So, I wouldn't be surprised
if it were Lucas, Marc.
Dear Paniek, yesterday evening I saw
a picture of a book called 'PANIEK'
on television. This morning I saw it
mentioned in a newspaper. Can I get
Don't buy that book, Marc. Don't even
borrow it. Don't read it. I put it in
the safe hands of our lawyers. It is
a cheap imitation of what could have
Dear Paniek, one of my dearest friends
advised me to replace Zeeuws meisje's
starter motor for an original 2.25 type.
So, when it might fail in the future,
I shouldn't have too much trouble getting
a new one. The only thing that worries
me is the fact that this friend and
his girlfriend own a Land Rover which
has just the same type of starter as
Z.M. has got now. And it broke down
just a few weeks back. Dear Paniek,
have you got an answer to this situation?
Your question makes sense, dear Norman.
When I received question 22 I was really
wondering which idiot he was talking
about. Anyway, remember the 2 rules
of Land Rover ownership:
1. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
2. If you fix something, make it easier
for next time.
So I think that your friend is very
right, but his timing is lousy. You
should wait untill rule 1 applies too.
Paniek, how is it possible that even
your website smells like EP90? Margriet.
Dear Paniek, after a hard childhood
with not many social contacts I have
a question for you about something that
I found in the other questions: What
is a fashion girl? I think you are the
right man to give me some help on this
because you are so old and wise. I understand
mechanical things but other things are
not so easy, especially between man,
woman and Land Rovers.
I understand how you feel, dear LandyGreenhornNo1.
I am not too sure myself, but I think
that a fashion girl is something like
a Freelander, only human and not so
ugly. Thank you for your nice words.