Ask Paniek:
My question:
Name:
Email:


Question 50:
Dear Paniek, I thought only Groningen was justified to use ACPT (Anti Circulation Plan for Traffic). But as I read in your answer #47 Hilversum also has this kind of system. Or is it a different system as we in Groningen don't have the sleeping roadworkers. The roadworkers are actually in the same trafficjam as where anyone else is stuck for live, wondering why they can't reach their road-working destination. Why don't they all get rid of this paved roads which are causing so much trafficjam and create only greenlanes? But now I'm wandering of my track. What was the question again?

Answer 50:
Congratulations, dear Marc. You have just won 1 littre of EP90 for asking the fiftieth question! Can I borrow it from you, because I still have to fix the oil seal in the rear differential.

Question 50A:
You can borrow the 1 litre of EP90 for your differential, Paniek. But in return I need the answer for question 50, because I can't remember the question no more.....

Answer 50A:
That's how it started with me too, Marc. Thank you for the EP90. I hope you forget to ask it back.


Question 49:
Dear Paniek, I visited www.paniek.org, and noticed that you're not listed on some search engines! I think we can offer you a service which can help you increase traffic and the number of visitors to your website. We offer a unique technology that will submit your website to over 300,000 search engines and directories every month. You'll be surprised by the low cost, and by how effective this website promotion method can be. I would love to hear from you. Best Regards, Sarah Williams

Answer 49:
Thank you very much for your caring solution, dear Sarah, but Paniek doesn't know what to do with it. He can only handle questions, not answers. Hope you understand. Pim (the site photgrapher)


Question 48:
Dear Paniek, I have noticed that there is no privacy statement on www.paniek.org. Don't you have a reassuring policy like everybody else? P.S. To protect myself I am not using my real name. I hope you understand. Pim III (not the site photographer)

Answer 48:
I like your new pseudonym, Arjen. Sometimes Pim (our site photographer, not you) places black bars over the eyes of self exposing visitors (Click here for an example by Tjeerd van Linge ). There is not much else we can do. Apart from that, we respect you and your privacy very much.


Question 47:
Dear Paniek, I am going to work in Hilversum in September. Do I need special medication for that? What is the story about the "Gooise matras"?

Answer 47:
There is nothing wrong with working in Hilversum, dear Jacco. It is just that people don't do it very much. They prefer to sit in their cars and participate in the Hilversum traffic jam all day. Every day. That is because this traffic jam is very well organised with parallel one way streets (all in the same direction), pavement distortions, numerous microscopic roundabouts, fences, sneeky posts, ROL's (Red Only Lights), maintenance works and everything else that modern (and not so modern) technology can throw at flowing traffic. In the unlikely event that workers actually reach their destinations they are so tired that they immediately fall asleep, hence the mattresses (Gooise matrassen) everywhere. Nobody needs sleeping pills or other medication. It is very healthy. You will like it.


Question 46:
Dear Paniek, do you know where I can get oldtimer insurance?

Answer 46:
When I was young I tried to get Oldtimer insurance, like you are doing now. But I did not get it. I was very sad, but then a wise man who was born in the nineteenth century and an oldtimer himself, told me that I didn't need it. "Insured or not, you will become an oldtimer, even if you don't want to. Just trust me.", he said and I did. He was right, so keep your money, dear Paddy. Just wait.


Question 45:
Dear Paniek, why are there more Freelanders than there are real Land Rovers?

Answer 45:
That is because every year the Land Rover factory makes 2 times as many Range Rovers as Defenders. They make 2 times as many Discoveries as they make Range Rovers. And they make 2 times as many Freelanders as they make Discoveries. Using these sneeky tricks Freelander can repeat the 55 year history of the real Land Rover in approx. 7 years, 10 months, 8 days and 13 minutes, they think. But they forget the story of Achilles and the turtle. They don't realise that in 7 years, 10 months, 8 days and 13 minutes the real Land Rover will have a history of more than 62 years. Don't worry, Brigitte. The turtle can't loose. Pim (the site photographer) says so too.


Question 44:
Dear Paniek, why is Zwelgje called Zwelgje? I like the name very much. And the car too, I think. And Pim, your site photographer. That is why I ask. Love from Paris.

Answer 44:
Thank you for your nice - albeit incomplete - question, dear Brigitte. The name "Zwelgje" was first mentioned in a story that Maarten Toonder recently wrote in 1957. It is the story of a real gentleman and a sympathic dragon. The dragon - Zwelgje - grows to extreme proportions when he gets angry. As a gentleman I liked that. Unfortunately the other day I received a nice birthday present. It was a rare book: the first print of the Zwelgje story. Very special. I immediately reread it. That was wrong. Zwelgje turned out to be a crook. A robber. I had forgotten how good my memory was. Zwelgje isn't even female. Is there no end to growing old?


Question 43:
Dear paniek. Yesterday I was turning Rusty - my favourite Land Rover 88 No Top - over again. (Click here for the picture ). I have done this before (Click here for the picture ). This means that I have made a turn of 2 times 90 degrees, which is 180 degrees. Do you agree? Or not? This may sound like a simple question but I am a bit confused (Click here for the picture ).

Answer 43:
You worry too much, Hubert. Then you get confused. I have seen it happen before. Your question is not as simple as you think. You cannot just add up degrees. Because if you could, cooking would be very easy. You would take half a cup of water of 50 degrees, add another half a cup of water of 50 degrees et voila, one cup of boiling tea water. You know this is not true. But that is not all. You must always substract 360 degrees as many times as you can, to get the correct answer. Also it is always helpful to calculate back to absolute zero. That is the point where nothing moves. Even molecules. Even you. You should stay there, but you won't. So you add 90 degrees. That brings you at 273 + 90 = 363 degrees. Substract 360, to get 3 degrees. No problem. Then add another 90. You see the mistake? That brings you at 93 degrees. Not only will you burn yourself, you will also fall out of your Land Rover. Very dangerous. There must be other ways to replace a wheel.

Question 43A:
Hallo PaNiek, absoluut 0 was toch 0K = -273 graden? -273+360=87 graden. Groet Jacco.

Answer 43A:
The problem is not to correctly add (or substract) 360 degrees, dear Jacco. The problem is knowing when to do it and when not. Your excellent example is one where you should not. Thank you for your swift reaction.


Question 42:
Dear paniek. The other day I was ticketed by a Dutch policeman who could not read my numberplate. He blamed the ladder of my roofrack. Now I have to pay a fortune in fees. Do you think this is fair?

Answer 42:
You could have advised the officer to go back to school. This would not have saved you any money but at least you would have received something in return for it. To prevent any payment at all, you should have jumped back into your car and started racing in front of speed camera's. They probably don't work if you want them to, so make that a reasonable number, say 25. Exceed the speed limit by 30 kmh or so. Wait for the tickets to arrive, add the ladder ticket and write a short note, explaining that the two kind of tickets are mutually exclusive. The system cannot confirm the inconsistency and will most likely disregard everything. You even could try it now, the location of usable speed traps is announced on public television every morning, as you probably know. Good luck.


Question 41:
Dear Paniek, what will happen when I connect a 24 Volt winch to a 12 Volt battery? Will it loose half its power? Will it operate at half speed? Or will nothing happen at all? Is there any solution (other than replacing the winch motor?)

Answer 41:
This has to do with power, Chris, which in electricity language is Watts. Now Watts is Amps times Volts. So if you halve Volts, you halve Watts. But that is not all. Because you halve Volts, Amps also halves. So you only get a quarter of what you paid for. I know somebody who bought a 12 Volt winch for his 24 Volt 109. He feeds the winch from a seperate 12 Volt battery. Since he cannot charge this 12 Volt battery from a 24 Volt source, he charges the battery at home, one day in advance and always makes sure that he is out of trouble before the battery runs flat. Maybe you could talk to him? You seem to approach the problem at the same level.


Question 40:
In times my blood burbles the same as the V8 engine of a 101. How is this possible and what should I do about it. Is it dangerous?

Answer 40:
The V8 burble is dangerous for people but not for cars. So, think positive, Anjo. Don't be the problem, but make yourself part of the solution. Use your V8 intensively and only in overpopulated areas.


Question 39:
Dear Paniek, you really helped me out on question 38. Now I see what I have to do. I'm going to put the V8 in one of my own Landies, sell the engine coming out of that one and go to Billing after all. Dear Paniek, you're and extremely wise man.

Answer 39:
Agreed. Just don't do it with my V8.


Question 38:
Dear Paniek, one of my Land Rover friends has a V8-engine stored with me. My question is: Can't I just sell the bloody thing and use the money for a trip to Billing this sommer? I think the old fool forgot all about it anyway.

Answer 38:
There is no use going to Billing. Stay home, Norman. People only go to Billing to acquire something beautiful that they don't already have and they usually pay a high price for it. You already have everything. Maybe with the exception of a V8-engine, but it wouldn't make sense to sell a V8 to go to Billing to buy a V8, wouldn't it? Enjoy the money that I help you save and remember: It is always such a pleasure to advice you.


Question 37:
Dear Paniek, as a fashion girl I wonder what a Freelander is. Love from Paris.

Answer 37:
Ehr ... I'm speechless. (Message from Pim (the site photgrapher): Help. The man is unendurable. Send him the answer if you know it. Please. Win 1 litre of EP90. Maybe more. His address is paniek@paniek.org. I have to go now. Thank you)

The answers:

Hm, a Freelander, that is not more than a word. It should be a man who can live free in a land, but as long as there are women, money and bureaucrats it is not more than a word! (LandyAndy101)

I don't think that I need to know what a Freelander is anymore. What is EP90? (Brigitte)


Question 36:
Dear Paniek, you seem to be the epitome of tranquility even in the face of questions that would turn Groucho Marx speechless. Yet a psychiatric disorder that is the complete opposite of tranquility was named after you (panic disorder with agoraphobia). People who suffer from this get anxiety attacks when they are in crowded places, like (super-)markets, hence the name "agora". What is your secret remedy? Is there a secret ingredient in Margriet's cooking that does the trick? Are you yourself a homeopathic medicine against panic attacks? Does your 101 scare everyone away from crowded market-places? What is the secret of your success?

Answer 36:
Thank you for your nice compliments in which there is much truth - even though Groucho Marx has been speechless for years, dear René. My secret was a mystery for a long time, even to myself. Now that I finally understand how I do it, it is amazingly simple: when I'm in a crowded place I paniek.


Question 35:
Dear Paniek, could you make a photograph of your site photographer for me? As a fashion girl I would prefer a picture of Him in his overalls. Love from Paris.

Answer 35:
Pim's cars never break down and he does not need overalls. So especially for you I put a film in my camera, borrowed his car until something broke - which only took me 7 minutes - and waited in ambush. This is the result (Click here for the photograph ) Is this really what you want, Brigitte?


Question 34:
After I had a hard childhood....oh, you already know that? OK again I have a question between man, woman and Land Rovers. As long as I drove a normal car I did sometimes stop to take girls with me who hitchhike. I stopped even one time for a girl who was not waving and so now I can give you an advice (I'm proud to give an advice to a wise man like you) : If they don't wave for you, you even don't have to stop, they real don't want to drive with you! OUPS, back to my question: I heard sometimes that I should be friendly to girls, woman and all which is more human than a freelander and not so ugly. So when I stopped with my normal car I went out and opened the passengers door to let the girls get into the car. I tried to do the same with my Land Rover and it looks like this: Get out, open the passengers door, clean the striker plate for the door lock so that her clothes don't get dirty and than hold the door wide open. Now the girl like to get in and.......yes this car is higher and how should a modern girl with one of this very short skirts went in? As a friendly man I like to help but how? Where shall I position my hand, being sure that after doing this not her hand is positioned somewhere in my face?

Answer 34:
It takes a brave man to drive a Land Rover, dear LandyGreenhornNo1. Did your grand parents ever tell you about a band called "the Beatles"? When I was still a young wise man, this band sang a song dedicated to your problem. It offers a solution if you listen to the song text carefully enough. Actually, your problem is so simple that the title will do: "I wanna hold your hands." Yes, that is all that you have to do, it will give your passenger and yourself a better control over the situation. Officially I cannot give you a more in depth advise, since I have absolutely no experience with the question at hand. Don't forget that Margriet washes my overalls and always agrees with me.


Question 33:
Dear Paniek, we spotted this Land Rover prototype (click here for a photograph ) last week. Could this be the next Defender? And, being located close to Geneva and CERN, could it be provided with a revolutionary particle accellerator engine?

Answer 33:
No, it is not the next Defender. It cannot be. Land Rovers come in three exclusive tastes: Forward Controls (e.g. 109 2B), Rearward Controls (e.g. Defender td5) and Traction Controls. The new Defender must be rearward controlled. That is a rule, so - despite its 88-inspired rearward controlled and historically correct hard top - it cannot be the glorious traction control in your picture. None of my sources at Ford are aware of any accellerator engine for Land Rover, revolutionary or not. But, you never know, I like steam very much. Thank you for your profound investigations. You are improving, Eric.


Question 32:
Dear Paniek, how can my 101 become car of the month for two months like the current car of the month?

Answer 32:
Your 101 was already car of the month in April 2001, dear Anjo. And in May 2001 and in June 2001. I don't promise anything, but maybe it will be car of the year 1978 one day. Keep up the good work!


Question 31:
Dear Paniek, since I am the owner of a 101 I don't need a light anymore in the dark. I'm very afraid that my eggs get damaged. What's the matter and what I got to do? Bever.

Answer 31:
Quit drinking?


Question 30:
Dear Paniek, why is it that when the sun shines, my email traffic suddenly slows down .... Is the sun also made by Lucas?

Answer 30:
It is a well known fact that emails are lithophobic. That is why glass fibre is so expensive (it is very hard to get the emails in) and fast (they cannot wait to get out). I don't know who made the sun, but I know that it only works 50% of the time (on average) and it never shines when it is dark and you need it most. So, I wouldn't be surprised if it were Lucas, Marc.


Question 29:
Dear Paniek, yesterday evening I saw a picture of a book called 'PANIEK' on television. This morning I saw it mentioned in a newspaper. Can I get a discount?

Answer 29:
Don't buy that book, Marc. Don't even borrow it. Don't read it. I put it in the safe hands of our lawyers. It is a cheap imitation of what could have been.


Question 28:
Dear Paniek, one of my dearest friends advised me to replace Zeeuws meisje's starter motor for an original 2.25 type. So, when it might fail in the future, I shouldn't have too much trouble getting a new one. The only thing that worries me is the fact that this friend and his girlfriend own a Land Rover which has just the same type of starter as Z.M. has got now. And it broke down just a few weeks back. Dear Paniek, have you got an answer to this situation?

Answer 28:
Your question makes sense, dear Norman. When I received question 22 I was really wondering which idiot he was talking about. Anyway, remember the 2 rules of Land Rover ownership:
1. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
2. If you fix something, make it easier for next time.
So I think that your friend is very right, but his timing is lousy. You should wait untill rule 1 applies too.


Question 27:
Paniek, how is it possible that even your website smells like EP90? Margriet.

Answer 27:
EP90?


Question 26:
Dear Paniek, after a hard childhood with not many social contacts I have a question for you about something that I found in the other questions: What is a fashion girl? I think you are the right man to give me some help on this because you are so old and wise. I understand mechanical things but other things are not so easy, especially between man, woman and Land Rovers.

Answer 26:
I understand how you feel, dear LandyGreenhornNo1. I am not too sure myself, but I think that a fashion girl is something like a Freelander, only human and not so ugly. Thank you for your nice words.


More Dear Paniek

 

 

 

 


   

 

 

Question 1-25
Question 26-50
Question 51-75
Question 76-100