Ask Paniek:
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Question 75:
Dear Paniek, thank you for solving our cooling problems in question 64. The temperature has been beautiful since, but yesterday I saw my husband sneek out the door with a needle in his hand and a mean grin on his face. He climbed into our car, opened the hood and did something to it. Then he started the car and I quickly made this picture through the open back doors when he wasn't looking.

I think he is fixing the car, and I don't understand why. He knows I hate sauna's. Do you understand what he is doing?

Answer 75:
I think your husband is investigating the powers of steam, dear Wanno. (He is making big progress because not many people know how to make pressure without the cap on the radiator.) I have no idea why he does it, but I'm sure that it is a sign that he loves you. You are an excellent photographer. Keep up the good work. Or maybe he wants to impress Brigitte.


Question 74:
Dear Paniek, I have heard that there is a new theory on why Land Rovers always leak (except in the desert unless it rains). Do you know which theory they mean?

Answer 74:
I hope that you are wrong, dear Midas. There should not be a new theory; the phenomenon is understood for over 60 years: "Land Rovers leak because they are made of flat panels." That is all. Everybody knows that both surfaces of a flat panel have exactly the same area. Thus, if you build a car from flat panels the inside dimensions are exactly the same as the outside dimensions. This can only be achieved with a material thickness of 0 milimeter, yet, in reality, a Land Rover uses panels that are 2 milimeter thick Birmabright aluminium. This built-in contradiction is not as serious as it may sound. The human body has had the same "problem" for the past 500,000 years and it has only been advantageous to us. Evolution shaped our surplus inside material into lips, which we use for many purposes, moving liquids from the outside to the inside being one of them. And not the worst one, I may add. So it is no surprise that Land Rovers do the same. They just haven't had enough time to evolve like we did. Be patient.


Question 73:
Dear Paniek, by mistake I found an internet site about a car that was named after cheese! Do you have any idea why they did this to it?

Answer 73:
When you visit a Dutch family in the evening, they will serve you cheese in the middle of it, usually shaped like little bricks (the cheese, not the hosts) with a wooden peg in them with a little paper flag. (Click here for a picture >). Knowing this habit, I would be very careful not to use cheese colors on a brick shaped car, but that is a matter of taste. If you do it and bravely face the consequences - which naming your car after cheese certainly is - you deserve my deepest admiration. I suggest you do the same, dear Antje.


Question 72:
Dear Paniek, one of my friends wants to use electrical power tools in the field. The other day we were discussing this in our virtual Land Rover bar and concluded that the minimal requirements for such an operation were:
1. One Land Rover,
2. One 24 Volt power tool,
3. One 24 Volt alternator (if not pre-installed in the Land Rover),
4. One pair of driving belts (if not pre-installed in the Land Rover),
5. One remote spot.
We reckoned that this remote spot was absolutely necessary, because the Land Rover engine has to run at maximum rpm whenever our friend needs maximum power from his power tool. At that moment your little nephew TechNiek walked in for a virtual beer. He looked at us in disbelief. Then he commented that it was "quatsj" and left. "Quatsj" means "bullshit", we looked it up in the Limburgian-English dictionary after he left. Now we are terribly worried. What did he mean? Do you have any idea, dear Paniek?

Answer 72:
This has to do with electricity, dear René, so it is very complicated. The principle of an alternator is that a magnetic field causes an electric field and vice versa. I don't know why, but it is the law. If you accept this, you will understand that a changing magnetic field has to cause a changing electrical field. This means that there must be electrical currents, because without them the electrical field would not change, which means that the magnetic field would not change which contradicts our assumption and therefore cannot be true. When you think of it, it is all very simple, really. The quicker a magnetic field fluctuates, the quicker the electrical field has to fluctuate and the bigger the currents have to be. This means that there are two ways to regulate the output of an alternator: you can change the strength of the magnetic field, or you can change the speed with which it changes. If the magnet is an electro-magnet, you can do both. You can even adjust the magnetic field such that it compensates for variations in speed and that is exactly what the voltage regulator in a car alternator does. Therefore, it does not really matter how fast the alternator rotates - within realistic technical limitations of course. In daily practice the explosion engine that drives the alternator is much more restrictive than the alternator. That is why it is quatsj to adjust the explosion engine to the alternator. It is already the other way around! By the way, in practice an alternator can not sustain its maximum current for more than 15 minutes, so don't expect 90 Amps all the time from a 90 Amp alternator, even if it is not a Lucas. That is what I understood from what TechNiek tells me. Can't you worry about simpler things?


Question 71:
Dear Paniek, sometimes my parents go abroad for a week or so. They take one car with them, and the other one is left at home. For so far, there's nothing that weird about that. But, the thing I mentioned is that our car turns dirty really much faster when my parents are not at home as when they are. Do you know how this happens? I really hate this 11pm car wash every few weeks.

Answer 71:
If I want my nephew to wash the car that he borrowed from me, I have to prove scientifically that he - and only he - personally caused all the dirt on the car, Paul. And even then I have endless discussions with him. I cannot believe that your father only has to say "Gee, it looks like some miracle poluted the car." and you rush out the door and start cleaning it, even in the middle of the night?? Why do I have TechNiek and your father has you? It is not fair. But keep up the good work, anyway.


Question 70:
Dear Paniek, a friend of mine is trying to make his '88 Lightweight (sofftop) waterproof. What should I tell 'm? (he also finds it annoying the car is leaking oil). Please help me out.

Answer 70:
Your friend is a very lucky friend, dear Dee. Not only because he has friends like you but also because Land Rover is the only car in the world where the soft top is as water resistant as the hard top! So, your friend has nothing to worry about. Also because you do that for him. He is a very sensitive person, and should realize that nobody is proud of oil leaks. Nobody is proud of taxes either, but it is part of life. Ultimately everything returns to where it came from and for oil that means deep under the ground. I hope this saves your friend from another nervous breakdown. Keep up the good work.


Question 69:
Dear Paniek, in question 61 you say that when people want to visit you they can mail you off-line. Well I tried it. I put the plug out the modem and wrote you an email but I did not get any reply from you... Regards, S. Mart

Answer 69:
One day Pim (the site photographer) told me a little story, Mrs Mart. It went like this: "A man parks his Land Rover in front of a pizzeria. He walks into the restaurant and orders a pizza Marguerita and a beer. Twenty minutes later he finishes the beer, pays the bill and leaves in the same Land Rover he came in. Do you want coffee?" Of course I want coffee. He hands me the cup, but doesn't continue the story. "So?", I ask after a few minutes. "What? Oh, yes.", he says. Then he asks: "What did the man eat?" "A pizza Marguerita, of course.", I reply. Is he dementing again? "Possibly.", Pim smiles. "But I never told you that, did I?" He is right! For a change. So you see, dear S, sometimes you think that somebody told you something where he really didn't. Don't forget your gifts and presents next time.


Question 68:
Dear Paniek, thank you for your expert advice in answer 66, but it was a disaster. You remember I went to pick up that new Land Rover with my neighbours son and my squeegee? I bought a beautiful red one with a blue handle that looked perfect on the new green Land Rover, but I did not get the chance to give it to him. He refused it when he saw the dents that I made in the floor of the car with my new shoes. He was furious. His sudden attack brought tears to my eyes. That is no way to treat a fashion girl! Luckily the workshop manager understood me and when I saw him take the Land Rover Parts Catalogue in his strong hands, I knew that I would be OK. He said that the worst case scenario was a new floor plate of 34 Euro's. I felt relieved. This did not inlude paint, labour and taxes, but it certainly wouldn't cost more than 200 Euro's he said. Two hundred Euro's? That is no way to comfort a fashion girl. I can buy half a new shoe for that kind of money. C'est ridicule! So I ordered a taxi and walked all the way home with my squeegee. The idiots were on strike, you see. The next day I received a bill of 3,575.24 Euro's for damages to the car. They wrote that floor plate 330037 is no longer sold seperately. From 1985 upwards it is part of the replacement bulk head set. Les infantiles! Les amateurs! So, dear Paniek, you will understand how surprised I was to read LandyGreenhornNo 1st sad story in question 67. I advise him to buy a new floor plate and stop bothering. He should compensate the lady for excessive wear of her shoes, because that is what I demand from that idiot too. Do you know if LandyGreenhornNo 1 is married? Love from Paris.

Question 68A:
Dear Paniek,as you may know I own a Land Rover 109. It's equiped with two (!) floor panels. They are in perfect condition for high heeled girls to make dents and scratches in it! I already own a red squeegee, but because I drive a 109, a second one would be very welcome ... Kind Regards, Arcus

Answers 68 & 68A:
It is always a great joy to bring together people, especially if one of them is a fashion girl. I leave the rest to you two.

Answer 68B (by Landygreenhorn no 1 himself):
A part of my very hard childhood was that my mother always teached me that I must be honest and that is the point why I normally not should say ‚§úDear Paniek‚§? today, I must say: Dear sweetheart Brigitte, I agree with you that even scratches are not a reason to speak with you as hard that you get tears in your eyes! That was the point why I did ask for the insurance just to avoid a discussion with a fashion girl! And now to your question: No Landygreenhorn no 1 is not married! (Click here for my marriage conditions.)


Question 67:
Dear Paniek, thank you for your answer in question 34. I agree with you that the answer must be controlled by Margriet and be readable for everybody. Maybe you have realised that I always use normal words for asking. I know other words from the men who brings the pigs to the market every week here in the countryside where I live, but a part of my very hard childhood was that my mother always told me that I'm not allowed to use this words. Now I have a new question between man woman and Land Rovers: Yesterday I stopped for a girl which waved for me and yes, she would like to drive with me to the next town. It was a colourful girl (means a face full with colour) wearing very high and small shoes. Somebody told me that there is a special name for this shoes, the problem is that I just know the somebody but not the name for the shoes, maybe a fashion girl can help here sometimes? Back to what happened: I stopped immediately (good that I have adjusted the brakes a day before) went out of the car, opened the door, cleaned the striker plate and hold her hand to come into the car! We drove to the next town, had a friendly talk and she went out of the car and told me that she would like to drive again in a Land Rover. I drove home and the world was OK for me. In the evening I went out to say good night to my beloved Land Rover. AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH........ I found some little dents and scratches on my floor panel (RH 330037) from this good looking but damned shoes! Because I don't want to have a quarrel with this girl now my question is: Will the insurance pay for some new paint on my floor panel, better for a new panel? Regards LandyGreenhornNo 1

Answer 67:
Maybe. No.


Question 66:
Dear Paniek, as a fashion girl I get many invitations for all kinds of occasions. Now my neighbour's son has invited me to accompany him tomorrow when he collects his new Land Rover. He showed me a picture, it looks exactly like Pim's small car, only a different color and a bit bigger, so I cannot say "Non" to him. I am looking for a present for my neighbour's son. Do you have any suggestions? Love from Paris.

Answer 66:
Your perfect gift is called a "squeegee', Brigitte. "Raclet" in French, "Raqueta limpia cristales" in Spanish or "Raamtrekker met spons" in Dutch. He will be very grateful within 5 minutes. You must give it before he gets in the car, because if you leave him alone with his Land Rover for 10 minutes, he will have bought one himself.


Question 65:
Dear Paniek, what is the use of those plastic road cones that you use in dangerous situations?

Answer 65:
Those brightly coloured soldiers have only one goal in life, dear Anneke: to be avoided. I'm not surprised you ask.


Question 64:
Dear Paniek, my husband easily overheats. So, I told him to check his coolant level like you told me. He didn't seem to understand, but three weeks later he showed me his brand new radiator. It didn't help of course. I sometimes think that he wasn't in school when they explained the difference between "net", "gross" and "tara". I again told him your story about the air bubble in the heater circuit. He agreed and from then on insisted on having the heater on at all times. After about a week he suddenly bought a new fan and viscous unit. A month later he agreed with me that he still hadn't solved anything, and bought a new radiator cap. It was completely useless, it wasn't even his size. My husband did not mind. He rested for four weeks and then found another cause, or so he thought. It took another three weeks to discover that the ignition timing was completely wrong and that correcting it made no difference to the temperature in the cabin. I felt sorry for him and asked him if he had checked the coolant level. He didn't respond, he was too buzy figuring out how to check the cylinder head gaskets. After two weeks he found a little workshop with an old man who still knew how to do it. One week later we knew that the gaskets were OK and the temperature was not. So, my husband exchanged the waterpump. It took a week to order it, one week to ship it, one week to build it in and one hour to discover that it didn't improve anything. Things were getting so desperate that he refreshed the engine oil, which is very much against his principles. The car accepted it as a sympathic gesture, but remained adamant. He waited two weeks and gave her new points. He also removed her thermostat. That seems to work, but now he insists on putting the thermostat back! I bet that he will leave the heater on, even in winter. What can I do? Help me. Wanno Wanmama.

Answer 64:
Your problems are over, dear Wanno, but they will be back in six months. For the time being the outside temperature is low enough to drive your car. Tell your husband to check the cooland level. If that is OK, then prepare to move to the Southern hemisphere in six months. South Africa might be a good target for you. Move back in about one year. Keep repeating that until your husband has isolated his problem. He probably never will, so ask him to build a refrigerator, water tank, double bed, table and so on into the car and live happily ever after.


Question 63:
Dear Paniek, is it possible to convert a Right Hand Driven 109 (1970) to a Left Hand Drive one? Not that I overtake so many other cars, but it is inconvenient from time to time.

Answer 63:
It does not matter with which hand you drive your Land Rover, dear Remco. You can even swith while you are driving. If you drive it with your left hand, you can do other things with your right hand (shift gears, turn on the lights, make love to a passenger, browse through a book, restore peace in your family, shave yourself, hold a pen, eat a sandwich, hold a can, hold a memocorder and talk to it, hold your 27Mc microphone and talk to it, hold your telephone and talk to it, roll a cigarette, put fingers in your nose, put a new CD in the radio, camb your hair, scratch, put on some make up and so on and so forth). If, on the other hand, you drive her with your other hand then you can do the same with your left hand. With a little practice there is hardly any difference. It is possible to convert a 109 but the only real reason for doing so, would be historical correctness. If you do it, you should do it properly and convert to centre steer, like the German original 109 (1940). Good luck.


Question 62:
Dear Paniek, the other day you asked us: 'if women are so smart, then why do they dance backwards?', but you never gave the answer. Why? Love from Paris.

Answer 62:
I liked the question, dear Brigitte. That was all. So, I passed it on to the virtual Land Rover Think Tank, that you apear to be a member of. For a laugh. Nothing more. But it is a real Think Tank and it generates answers. It's in its nature to do so, it cannot help it. "It's because women always want to watch us when there are other women around.", "It's to give us the impression that we're leading." "It's to test my low forward gears" and other things that I don't understand, the Tank said. Pim was right in answer 49, I should stick to answers.


Question 61:
Dear Paniek, Do you really exist? Are there opportunities to visit you?

Answer 61:
I am as real as the queen of Holland, Dame Edna and my little nephew TechNiek, dear Jan Doedel. If you want to visit me, email me - off line - a list of the presents and gifts that you have in mind. I will let you know where, when and if I will receive them and you.


Question 60:
dear sirs I have a land rover 90td5 and i´m planig to race whit him but we can not put the engine with good performance. Can you help? thank you.

Answer 60:
I understand that you live in Portugal, dear Jose. That means that everybody is jealous at you. You live in the most beautiful country of Europe, with the prettiest girls in the world, you have the best climate and the most aesthetic language that humans are capable of. And most of all: you have superb roads to be off. So, why spoil it all with a td5? You should get in your car now. Stop at the bottom of the steepest hill or mountain around, stall the engine (as usual), put it in fifth gear, tie a brick on its wireless pedal, get out of the car and turn the ignition key on. Then let it go. It is too stupid to understand that it is in the wrong gear and with a little luck it will fly off. If not, repeat the procedure from the top of the mountain. Ultimately, your engine will understand that you are an enemy and it will self destruct. This may sound as a harsh advice but it is very important for your happiness to detach from worldly things. Liberation from a German diesel engine is an excellent starting point for the enlighted life that you deserve.

 

P.S. Readers who have a more material advice for Jose, can email that to zecampos@clix.pt


Question 59:
Dear Paniek, when I am standing on the balcony of my Discovery DS-II, I often get confused. Sometimes I don't even remember what is the difference between a wheel and a tyre. I remember you explained this before, but I forgot. Sorry. Thanks.

Answer 59:
Don't worry, dear Wim, many people make this mistake (and pay a heavy price when they visit a dealer or a tyre centre). There is a simple rule of thumb that always works. Simply drill a hole in it. If the car comes down, it was the tyre. Else the wheel. There is really nothing to it once you know how to do it.


Question 58:
Dear Paniek, is it possible to be the "car of the month" with an ugly white 101?

Answer 58:
If a military vehicle is painted green, then there is a 50% chance that it was hardly used and has been maintained well, dear beatfan. There is a 49% chance that it was used hard and maintained well, while there is a 1% chance that it was used hard and received hardly any maintenance. Should the vehicle be white, then the picture is completely different. Then there is only a 1 % chance that it is hardly used and well maintained, and a 99% chance that it was heavily used without any maintenance. That is why you have to be careful with white vehicles. It has nothing to do with beauty. 101's are ugly in any color. If you want your 101 to be car of the month, then just send Paniek a good black and white picture and wait. Who knows.


Question 57:
Dear Paniek, when I was still a Lada Niva driver I noticed that my Land Rover friends never appreciated my critical - yet constructive - questions and answers involving Land Rovers. Two years ago I gave in and bought my first Land Rover. Now my friends have totally changed. They only talk about corrosion, leakages of many kinds of fluids, impossible British designs, work arounds, electrics and above all about Lucas. What is a Lucas and why is it so bad?

Answer 57:
Congratulations, Boris. If your friends discuss such things with you, they really accept you as one of them. Your question is difficult to answer, so I will tell you a story that tells it all:

Once upon a time a small group of Land Rover drivers decided to plough a field. The field did not need it. It was innocently lying there, growing weeds and waiting for bulldozers and streets and houses, but the Land Rover people had a plough, they had Land Rovers, they had access to the field and they had a sunny sunday afternoon. (Click here for a picture by Kees Goosens of what happened next ) None of them had ploughed before but despite the very individual farming styles that they quickly developed (click here, and here and here. ) they all got stuck at roughly the same spot in the field. There was something substantial in the soil, but nobody thought much of it. When they were satisfied they went home. The next day one of the plough members passed the field when she went to work. That is, she tried to pass it, but was stopped by the police. And the fire brigade. And the military with a bomb disposal truck (not a Land Rover). Somebody had found a 60 year old bomb in the recently ploughed field. It was a British bomb with a Lucas (must be) detonator that some plane dropped years before in the wrong country. Thanks to Lucas everybody lived happily ever after.


Question 56:
Dear Paniek, if you would move to Germany, would you trade in your Land-Rovers for a couple of Gelandewagens?

Answer 56:
Kees, do you really realize that you are talking about Zwelgje? Go home and shame yourself.


Question 55:
Dear Paniek, the other day I saw "Land Rover Logo"-coloured shorts at a local shop, so I brought them home for my husband. He was very happy. At lunch the fumbler dropped a can of sardines (open) on his lap. I immediately put his breeches in the washer, but it didn't help. There is a typical stain at a spot where there shouldn't be one. I washed them again. And again. I left them in enzymes for 48 hours. Nothing helps. What can I do?

Answer 55:
Dear Margriet, wash them in olive oil first. Then in water and soap. That's all. More important, however is to not be angry at your husband. I know he meant well.


Question 54:
Dear Paniek, thank you for the very nice picture of our secret new Land Rover Defender Td6. (Click here for the picture ) How did you discover it and how did Pim (your site photographer) make the very lively picture? Kind regards.

Answer 54:
To maintain our professional image, we need to know these things, dear French Pete. So we do. When we find them, we chase them with a fast car, we overtake them (Click here for a picture by Kim Rikkers ) and then Pim (our site photographer) and Hans (our acting assistant site photographer) photograph them. (Click here for a picture, also by Kim Rikkers ). We are happy that you like the result, especially because in this particular case some uncertainty creeps in.


Question 53:
Dear Paniek, I once saw a 30 second sponsored documentary (aka commercial) on a little boy jumping in puddles who ended up driving a Land Rover in his later life. When I was young I jumped in puddles too and now I drive a Land Rover. Is this something I need to be concerned about?

Answer 53:
I agree that driving a Land Rover is a very severe punishment, dear Arjen, but we must realize that jumping into puddles is a very serious offence. You should not complain. You had a very mild judge. For most offenders, the driving is only the best part of their penalty. They are convicted to Land Rovers that stop and stall and get stuck in the middle of lakes. They have to open their doors and put their comfortable, warm feet into water that is always a fraction deeper than their boots are high. They have to revive this traumatic youth experience over and over again. But they deserve no better.


Question 52:
Dear Paniek, I very carefully studied question 41 and your answer to it. That was the question about connecting a 12 V winch to a 24 V car and about a 24 V winch to a 12 V car. Fascinating stuff, but I have a much more complex problem: I have bought a 24 V winch which I want to use in my 24 V car. I think I need professional help for that. Can you come and help me next saturday?

Answer 52:
I would love to help, but I'm not sure that I can give you the professional help that you need, dear Marchel. However, if you ever get stuck in the mud because your winch doesn't work, I will pull you out. Laughing. I promise. Because I know you would do the same for me.


Question 51:
Dear Paniek, All over this site ite PaNiek this and PaNiek that. At home there is a Ma I think. MaGriet I presume? Why don't we read more about her? Is she shy?

Answer 51:
You are touching on very delicate grounds, dear Jacco. Margriet is very sensitive if her name gets misspelled. Luckily, when I explained who posed the question, she calmed down. She even smiled. "Remember Paniek, how we made the same mistake, long ago?", she asked. - to be continued -

 


 

 

 


   

 

 

Question 1-25
Question 26-50
Question 51-75
Question 76-100