Ask Paniek:
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Question 103
Dear Paniek. Why does your site look so bad in Explorer?

Answer 103
There are certain incompabilities between Microsoft products and Paniek, dear Coby. It shows. Do yourself a favour and switch to Firefly or Opera. You will not reckognise the site, but even if you do, at least it feels better.


Question 102
A bit surprised I realised that you continue your good work and now Iím happy that I can ask again an old wise man for advice, special because I had a hard childhood with no grandpa! Over Christmas I had some time to read something and so I have a new question now about social live between man, Land Rovers and this time a lot of women. But like every time first I must tell you something: Point 1: Even after a hard childhood with not many social contacts I'm interested in social projects and so I was very happy to read in one of this Land Rover magazines about an aid convoy. This convoy was a group of Land Rovers which brought some food and warm clothes to an area where poor people live. I think this is a good thing and should be continued. Point 2: I was one time in my live in Amsterdam, if you don't know it, it is roundabout 40 KM north west from Hilversum. I was confused by the map because everywhere where I wanted to drive was no road, there was water. Too late I realised that the blue lines on the map are not roads, they are channels (and no, I did not drive into a channel!). During this I was totally lost and so I drove around till it was getting dark. With the darkness a lot of housewives came out on the street, I'm sure that they were waiting for their husbands coming home from work. But how did they look: They all had too short skirts, some had just small tops, other ones had very good high boots, but then again just a short skirt over this so that always some skin was free. If they had stockings they where so old and had so many holes that they looked like a fishnet and when I saw a blouse it was so old that the cloth was so thin that you nearly could look through. In some areas there was some red light over this woman, I think a social project of the government, because it is warm under red light. Here in the countryside where I live we do the same over the new born piglets! I saw a man with a camper stopping and let one of the women come into the camper, a social gesture, but unfortunately the camper was not big enough for all these poor women. And with my question I like to bring together point 1 and point 2 and I ask you because you are so wise and I think you are the right man for organising:

Can you please organise an aid convoy with Land Rovers and bring some warm clothes to the poor women of Amsterdam?

Answer 102
You were not supposed to see all this when you were in Amsterdam, dear LandyGreenhorn no 1. The cold women of Amsterdam are a well known problem which will be solved by talking about them on television when all the other well known problems are solved by talking about them on television. Collecting clothes or not driving your Land Rover into the channels does not cure anything. We must wait. I am sorry that your sensitive soul had to go through all of this. How are you getting along with Paola? Always look at the bright side of life or the drive train of your 88, whichever comes first.


Question 101
Dear Paniek. I told my husband about this Schumacher. Now he wants a Discovery-3. What is your advice? Love from Paola.

Answer 101
Dump him, Paola. You deserve better. Enjoy the remainder of your life. Contact LandyGreenhorn who can offer you things far beyond even a Series Land Rover. (If you wear high heels, additional insurances may apply).


Question 100
Dear Paniek. Since being in Africa (Ghana) last November, I feel the urge to turn around and go back, taking my wife and Land Rovers. What should I do with my urge? Would driving the Amsterdam - Dakar with a non Land Rover vehicle put me out of my misery or will it get better?

Answer 100
The best thing to do is to follow your heart, dear Loosingmymarblesandstillcounting. Life is too short for ignoring your urges. So go and ask your wife to follow you. Then I will follow your wife. We need six Land Rover Diesels. This will safe us USD 12,500 per year in road tax, which may be enough to cover our living costs. Should you not follow this advice, then it is indeed a good idea to participate in a Dakar. Make sure that your non Land Rover vehicle is a motor cycle to increase your chances of completely ending all your misery. Leave your wife at home. Good luck.


Question 99
Dear Paniek. We are looking for a worthy successor for our Toyota Starlet. I would love to buy a Series Land Rover, but my husband put his mind on a Ferrari. How can I convince him? Love from Milan. Paola.

Answer 99
Fall in love with Michael Schumacher?



Question 98
Dear Paniek. One of the best solutions as a PMWA would be a spare Land Rover. Except that it would be more of a RMWA. So it is best if the spare Land Rover belongs to somebody else. But then you cannot take any spare parts out of it, so it would not work in practice. Therefore my question to you is: if you want to travel with a Land Rover and also want to take as few spare parts with you as possible and you want to be able to fix at least 50% of the problems that you encounter on your trips, what should you take with you?

Answer 98
Never leave home without Duck tape and an assortment of tie rips, dear Jan. And a Land Rover, of course. Everything else, you can improvise on the spot where your car comes to a halt. Experiences like that will teach you to communicate better with your Landy and take her warnings more seriously. This allows her to break down at more comfortable places like gas stations, where you can find a rich source of emergency repair materials like water (free), napkins (free), air (mostly free) and plastic gloves (free). Especially the gloves are very useful, they are light, flexible and strong and can be used for water sealing the delco, limiting the air flow through the radiator on cold nights, packaging small unidentifiable parts, tying things together, electrical isolation, flexible funnel and so on. It is such a waste to just wear them to condense sweat, like most people do.


Question 97
Dear Paniek. It seems to me that most of the PMWA's depend on physical labor or some kind of engine that may or may not work under harsh conditions. Isn't there a comfortable solution that is guaranteed to work?

Answer 97
When your Land Rover cannot work itself out of trouble, you already lost your most comfortable and most reliable solution, dear W van Willem. When that happens, the easiest way to free your Land Rover from mud is to wait for winter. If you are in the tropics or in a hurry that is not possible. Therefore you should always carry a few containers of liquid nitrogen or air with you. When you spray that on the mud, it will instantaneous freeze in a spectacular show of fog and frightening noises. Make sure that you don't spray your tires, because the cold will make them so brittle that they will break into little pieces and you will have to skate to safety on your rims, which is not easy.


Question 96
Dear Paniek. The Bushman's Winch (see question 95) is a very old device that was described in the Land Rover classic "Working in the Wild".

Answer 96
"Success has many fathers, and failure is an orphan", they say. So the more self proclaimed fathers an invention gets, the better it is and the more likely it is to work, Aad. But it is not a guarantee, of course.


Question 95
Dear Paniek, may I suggest a so called "bush winch" for a PMWA? (Not to be confused with a "Bush winch" which only works for US citizens.)

Answer 95
Hello Ivar. I followed your link "http://www.larostam.nl/oirschot2001/index.htm" and I liked what I saw. For those visitors who don't understand Dutch and pictures: The bush winch is a hole in the ground of one meter deep and as wide as a pole. Put the pole in the hole, make sure that 1,5 to 2 meters of the pole stick out, attach a smaller pole horizontally to the vertical pole using screws, nails and cords. Secure the vertical pole to something immobile (tree, house, herd of Freelanders etc.). Attach one side of a rope to the to be winched Land Rover and the other side to the standing pole. Walk around this vertical pole while pushing the horizontal pole. Stop when your foot kicks a Land Rover and get in and drive away before it gets stuck again.


Question 94
Dear Paniek, I want to adopt the separate trailer engine idea (see question 93) and take it one step further and remove the engine from my 110. So do you think I do not have to pay road tax for my vehicle? They cannot tax it as a diesel then?

Answer 94
What a coincidence, dear Loosingmymarblesandstillcounting. This is exactly the original idea that I described this morning for my coming article in the famous LRCH magazine. It (the car, not the article) is called the Articulated Hubertus Land Rover. (AH Laro for short.) Now that you come up with the same design, I am even more convinced that it is feasible to remove the engine of a 110 and park it in front of the house. To avoid road tax it can then be argued that road tax only applies to automobiles and that there is nothing auto about a 110 without an engine in it. In Dutch this sounds even more logical: A "motorvoertuig" without a "motor" is just a "voertuig", who could argue with that? If you get charged nevertheless for, say, a diesel engine you could claim that the engine that is not there is not a gasoline engine and not not a diesel. I could even imagine you trailing your 110 to an official automobile testing site to have them determine officially which engine type it is not and then officially disagree with it. I would not take this approach, though. I would rather weld the hook of the trailer stuck, such that it cannot be opened anymore and have the combination tested as one complete unit. This unit will have a total maximum weight of more than 3,5 tonnes and will therefore be road taxable as a truck, which is much cheaper. This also gives future politicians a misuse for them to correct in their struggle to improve the economy. Your nation will be proud and grateful if it is Dutch. Keep up the fantastic work.


Question 93
Dear Paniek, if the drive train of the powered trailer is such a problem, then why not put a seperate engine in the trailer? I have a Fire Engine Land Rover Series 2A which has a pump in the trailer, powered by a Porsche engine. This Porsche engine could very well power the trailer, especially these days with its “drive by wire”, “electronic traction control”, “total brain control” and “advanced anti push over control device”. Winchester will be the star of every Off Road Event.

Answer 93
The problem with your excellent solution is that it is unclear how much road tax you have to pay, Norman. Usually the tax is based on engine size or weight of the car. Does that include the trailer? In some countries this uncertainty may be attractive, in others – like Holland where road tax increased by 550% overnight - it implies serious financial risk.


Question 92
Dear Paniek. I don't like winches very much myself. It is impossible to travel further than the cable is long and I always make much longer trips. And that is in the best cases. Usually the suitable tree or Freelander is not exactly one cable length away, so you cannot even use the full, limitted cord length. And/or you have to use a block which cuts the length in two. That is why I suggest a powered trailer. This will give you an unstoppable 6x6 and you don't need a winch anymore. It will also convince Winchester's cracks.

Answer 92
Your solution is not as original as you may think, Pappa Bravo. It was implemented on the first 101's. It was quite complex, because it took its power from the PTO (Power Take Off of the Land Rover gear box). This meant that the gearing in the transfer box had no effect on the rotational speed of the drive shaft to the trailer. This required an additional gearing in the trailer itself. The main problem, however, was that the trailer would push under unexpected angles and could actually push the car on its side. It was a nice idea that never made it to production. Thank you for your reaction nevertheless.


Question 91
Dear Paniek. I like this winch subject! Why don't you use horses (or elephants or camels ...) to pull you out. Here in Holland many people have a 4x4 with a trailer with spare horses, you know.

Answer 91
I have noticed the same thing, Pierre, but I never really knew why. Your solution also explains why it are usually Japanese or German 4x4's. I hope.


Question 90
Dear Paniek, I'm puzzled by your answer 89. If you already need three people to operate the PMWA, why don't you ask these people to pull (or push) the car? Just my 2 cents ...

Answer 90
You are absolutely right, dear Mr. Pfenningpfutzer. In some regions of the world, whole village's may come to your rescue. That feels a bit unsatisfactory at first, but it is a great way to meet people of different cultures. The disadvantage is that it doesn't work very well if you are on your own.


Question 89
Why not bolt an empty rim on the outside of one of the front wheels with a long rope? The construction could be as simple as the stepping ring of a Land Rover 101 Forward Control (3 elongated bolts). In low gear this will pull Winchester through anything. Do you agree that this is a very simple, cheap and effective solution, dear Paniek?

Answer 89
Dear Wilbur, if it is using 101 parts, it cannot be cheap. Apart from that, I wonder if your solution works if you don't have a lock on the front axle. (People who do have a front axle diff lock, usually have a winch already and have no interest in a PMWA.) If you put the rim on the spinning wheel, the spinning may simply move to the other wheel. If you put it on the non spinning wheel, the wheel will stay immobile like before. To cater for this you should put extra rims on both front wheels and use two ropes. While winching you must be in the car to control the throttle, and also outside on each side to feed the cord. If you can coordinate this, and have no problems with the extra width of the car, the extra rims may be a valid solution.


Question 88
Dear Paniek. I really feel sympathy for Winchester in question 87. My PMWA solution for him is to always make sure that there is another Land Rover close by – preferably equipped with a winch – that can pull him out of trouble. I look forward to your comments.

Anwer 88
Thank you for your solution, Dutch Farmer. To my experience it works well, but only in heavily populated area's like Den Hout, Netherlands. Also I'm not sure that it will impress the real cracks much. I suggest to call your suggestion “the Dutch alternative.”


Question 87
Dear Paniek, I discovered that many Land Rovers have a little roll with spare wire on the front of the car. Some have one on the back as well. First I thought that all these Land Rovers were owned by a telephone or cable company or so, but now I learned from questions on your excellent site (www.paniek.org) that it has nothing to do with that. The cable is for when you get stuck in mud and the roll is called “a winch”. Also I learn that you really must have “a winch” if you want to be part of the Land Rover scene. I have come to realize that my life has no meaning if I'm not part of this sub culture, but I also think that “a winch” is a terrible dissonant on a perfect car like a Land Rover. It is almost as ugly as a Jeep Wrangler or a Toshiba Land Cruiser. What device can I put on my Land Rover so that I can claim not to need “a winch”. Thank you very much for your expert advise.

Answer 87
Many people don't have a clue what their winch is for, dear Winchester, but those are probably not the ones you want to impress. So it is important that your device really works, preferably under conditions where a winch would not. There are many devices like that. They are called PMWA's (Poor Man's Winch Alternatives) and I am willing to comment on each of them, but I cannot list them for you. That would be like posing the questions and then answering them myself and that is not what this site is for. Thank you for your supportive words.


Question 86:
Dear Paniek, what do you think about the Land Rover based Bowlers that drive the Dakar rally, and then in particular the one Peter R The Vries drives. Do you think they will make it, or should we send Zwelgje for back-up !!

Answer 86:
A Bowler is a car that looks like a Land Rover, but it really is not, dear Eric. Zwelgje, on the other hand, is a true Land Rover without looking like one. This means that a Bowler and Zwelgje are two times each others opposite. In mathematics that would mean that they are equal, but such logic does not apply to Land Rovers, not even partial ones. So, I don't think that they will make it. That is not bad, because they will meet many interesting people instead.


Question 85:
Dear Paniek, we live in a peaceful, tolerant neighborhood and we can safely park our Land Rover in front of our house. Or so we thought, but lately our 110 has a flat tire almost every month. It is not a good feeling at all. I don't sleep well, anymore. I installed two heat seeking camera's, but the only noticeable things that I saw on the tapes over the last two months are a bat, three ducks and the girl next doors with her boy friend. Why do they do this to us?

Answer 85:
Don't take it personally, Osama. Next time, when you have a flat tire, tell the guy at the repair shop to remove the dirt from the inside of the tire. He does not realize that you off-roaded with deflated tires and collected sand, glass and sharp stones in it. To avoid future punctures, go to 3.0 bar at the front and 4.5 bar at the rear. This is also more rewarding for bystanders. Sleep well every night again.


Question 84:
Dear Paniek. We are very happy that you finally updated your site. We want to say (as you always say yourself): keep up the good work! Now my question: what does it mean if a Land Rover owner suffers from "a white van syndrome " ?

Answer 84:
To drive a real Land Rover on the road, you have to be prepared to lower your standards a bit, dear Dronken Tor. This is not a problem. Land Rover owners are very flexible people and their Land Rovers deteriorate so gradually and gracefully that their drivers don't even notice. It can take years before they realize that a top speed of 65 kmh is not normal and do something about it. This results in repairs that grow into projects. The outcome of such projects is very uncertain - many end in the death of the car or the owner - but some of them yield a "better than new" Land Rover. To understand the white van syndrome, you have to imagine the proud owner of a "better than new" Land Rover , cruising at the peak of the original specifications, or maybe (V8) far exceeding them. No cars in sight in his rear view mirror, he can't believe his eyes. No, wait, there is one, rapidly growing in size. It is not a Ferrari, it is not a Mercedes, it is an ordinary No Name van, the cheapest version in the cheapest color, driven by something with red dots on its face that was hardly born when the restoration project started. It did not live in social isolation, it is not divorced and it did not live in a garage for years, yet its van does far better than 5 kilometres per litre and it wants to overtake. Which it does. Effortlessly... This is how cruel fate can be. Have mercy on its victims.


Question 83:
Dear Paniek. The government tells me that many people in Paris don't want 4WD cars in Paris, so now they want to ban them from the city. This means that there will be no Land Rovers in Paris anymore. What can we do about this?

Answer 83:
Your government does not do that out of concern for the Parisians, Brigitte, but out of concern for the French architecture. Pim showed them a weak spot at Charles de Gaulle Airport and now they are concerned about the Eiffel Tower. It is French too, you know. There is no solution for that.


Question 82:
Dear Paniek. We are very happy that you finally updated your site. We want to say (as you always say yourself): keep up the good work! Now my question: what does it mean if a Landrover owner suffers from "a white van syndrome " ?

Answer 82:
What is a Landrover, dear Dronkentor? Thank you for your nice words.


Question 81:
Dear Paniek. Last night, I discussed my plans to buy a Land Rover with a guy in a Dutch train. He told me that there is another car that is much more superior than a Land Rover. This other car is very fast on the road, much faster than a Land Rover, yet can be taken off road wherever you like. It can haul extreme loads like big caravans over long distances. It doesn't need any maintenance, even has self inflating tires. He said that it is absolutely rust free. I was so surprised that I forgot to ask what car he was talking about. But that is not so bad, because I am sure that you heard about this too, so please tell me, dear Paniek.

Answer 81:
You are right, dear Rauwdauwer. The brand name of the car that you are looking for is Rental. They have a great variety of car models, all ugly.


Question 80:
Dear Paniek. Sometimes my Discovery 300 Tdi refuses to start. The battery is fine, because the lights work well. If I keep trying, the engine suddenly runs, especially when I get angry at it, but that does not mean that I can drive away, because then my hand brake refuses to release! I have lubricated the hand brake cable and that seemed to work, but not for long. What is wrong with my Disco?

Answer 80:
There is nothing wrong with your Disco, Arjen. It is a matter of design. Let me explain: most other cars have four brakes, of which two are used for hand braking, but Land Rovers have five brakes, of which one is used for hand braking. That is much better, because this gives them four brakes for foot braking. The fifth brake is located at the end of the second gear box, which is connected to the first gear box, which is connected to the bell house, which is connected to the starter engine. This means that an electric current coming from the starter engine can reach the fifth brake and then travel through the hand brake cable to the chassis and on to the minus pole of the battery. Ordinary cars cannot do that. If they have a bad earth connection, they simply refuse to start, regardless of the driver's temperament. So, compliments to the Land Rover engineers for personalising our cars! I'm sure they realize that the disadvantage of their 'alternative route', is that the inner cable welds itself to the outer cable and that they are working on it. Or may be it is a safety device for mountainous countries. Good luck.


Question 79:
Dear Paniek. As a fashion girl and as you know I love Land Rovers very much. I have visited your site every week for the last two years and I have noticed that it never changes. Now I wonder if Pim (the site photographer) is still alive. Love from Paris. Brigitte.

Answer 79:
Nice to hear from you again, Brigitte. I was already wondering why there were still visitors. Pim's (the site photographer's) condition is still deteriorating, so he is still alive. Last time I saw him he was putting little yellow cones around my chair. Nobody knows why they are not orange. What a pity that your terminal at Charles de Gaulle collapsed. All I can say is that Pim must have been very nervous when he tried to park his 90. I am sure that there will be other opportunities to finally meet him.


Question 78:
I read your answer to question 77 and I have to disagree. My 90 TD5 does the same and I don't even have a gas station.

Answer 78:
It is always nice to have a gas station, dear Tjeerd, remember that. There is a second explanation for your and Explorer's problem. It can also be a fuel leak. If the hole is high in the tank, it would only leak when the tank is full. This explains a higher consumption after you filled her up. That is the opposite of what you observe, so you must have a low leak. Don't weld it yourself, go to an expert.


Question 77:
Dear Paniek, my Discovery has a better mpg on a full tank than on a half empty one. How is this possible? Keep up the good work. Thank you. Explorer.

Answer 77:
It took me a while to understand your question, dear Explorer, but once I did, I immediately knew the answer. It has to do with the rotation of the earth. As you know, our planet runs at approx 0.0006944 rpm. That means that every point on its surface travels between 0 and 40,000 km per day. That is 833 kmh, if you live half way the tropics and one pole. If you drive east your real speed is, say 778 kmh and if you go west it is 888 kmh, so driving east will be slightly more expensive. I deduct that you live west of your gas pump. Move east.


Question 76:
Dear Paniek, my neighbor convinced me that I should buy a Land Rover. I want to follow his advice, but I cannot make up my mind. Should I go for disk brakes or for drums? My neighbor cannot tell because his Freelander has both. What do you think?

Answer 76:
That is a very good question, dear Teigurr. I would go for disk brakes, because they are the only parts of your whole Land Rover that become shiny from off roading. They are also very useful on the road, because they have pads, one on each side of the disk. If your cornering technique is what it should be, the centrifugal forces will push one of these pads onto the disk. The faster you maneuver, the more your Land Rover brakes. That is very safe. To achieve the same on a straight road, you need an automatic braking system (ABS) with complex electronics. That is probably why mountain roads curve much more than flat land roads. Drum brakes are a bit boring, except when they leak.

 


 

 

 


   

 

 

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